I promise I won’t disappear again… Putting down Tess of the Durbevilles and will get started on some witty youthful insights once  I hang out my  washing.

xx

It’s that time of year again.

No I’m not just referring to Christmas but performance review time.

Although we appreciate your past services, there’s always room for improvement.

Please take on board the following guidelines for Christmas 2007.

1. Occupational Health and Safety

I’m concerned about your tendency to park on the roof.

And perhaps you could get yourself a harness for chimney work.

Boxing Day is diet day… it’s costing insurance companies billions a year in chimney repairs.

2. Terror Alert

Please refrain from eating chocolate biscuits, carrots and drinking milk as a preventative measure against spiking.

Osama Bin Laden unsuccessfully made a kidnap attempt on the tooth fairy and there’s fears he’ll target you next.

The CIA knows that you have him on your naughty list… they are keen to get a hold of this list, especially his cave addy.

In certain countries witholding information about terrorists is a criminal offence.

Tread  carefully while flying over Guantanamo Bay or you might be trading the red suit for an orange one.

3.  Global Warming Threat

Please make your journey carbon neutral and do not dispose of food wrappers while up in the air.

The North Pole toy factory should also reduce it’s carbon emission in accordance with the Kyoto Protocol and any future global agreements on the matter.

The Reindeers should not be fed baked beans at least 24 hours before your Christmas Eve journey.

Please ensure Rudolph’s nose is lit by an energy saving light globe.

4. Environmentally friendly practices

Add `Please recycle tags’ to all gift wrapping.

Sincerely

CHRISTMAS MANAGEMENT

PS. If you drink and fly you’re a bloody idiot.

On day two of my visit, a mini tornado tore off the carport roof spraying the neighbourhood with sheets of tin and causing $12,000 damage.

(This is merely an example)

The wind was so strong roof debris flew 100 metres away onto the roof of the house across the street.

Our place was the only one severely damaged.

The car parked in the next door neightbour’s driveway, which belonged to their friends, sustained a smashed back window from the incident.

The car’s owner, who was not insured, chucked a hissy fit, in front of her small children, and swore like the bogan neighhours from hell, constantly featured on gutter journalism programs  Today Tonight and A Current Affair,  when she was politely informed that our insurance company would not cover her costs because it was `An Act of God.’

$400 later, I bet she was wondering where the heck to post an invoice to the man up in the sky?

For the sake of sake-ness let’s call him Henry.

Henry is an international student who wanted a hug!

I was quite taken aback by this…`

Particularly as he vocalised his desperate desire to be close to a `girl’s body?’

I shook his hand instead; bidding him farewell before power-walking away, unsure if I had done the right thing… but convinced that in this day and age no-one can be trusted.

Perhaps I read too many news reports about rapists, stalkers and murderers…

Would you have hugged Henry?

Is a free hug too much to ask of a complete stranger?

Am I a horrible person for not hugging a huggless fellow human being?

I still have no idea who she is or how I am acquainted with her, despite my constant probing on this point…

She’s quite skilled at changing the subject and dropping bombshells!

Congratulations are in order I think, Bec??? or Jess??? or whatever her name is, informed me she was pregnant.

The father, whom she loves, does not know yet  and is not particularly partial to marriage and kids.

I believe she mentioned some sort of love triangle as well…

The soap opera continues…

He interestingly opted to turn gay for his wife…. (see previous post)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

JOHO is now a homeless hobo in a tracksuit after voters kicked him out of Kirribilli…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Our current PM will be at home tucked into bed.

Everyone already knows who he’d turn gay for…

Here they are polar bear cub shooting…

“Not here Johnny, let the Man of Steel come out to play at home…”

Matching ties… touching… very touching!

Whispered sweet nothings on an early morning stroll…

Lovers tiff?

Dumping???

Kiss and make up…

Honeymoon

Persian rug sale…

As for Ruddy my prediction is he will undoubtedly turn gay for this man…

or Mr Environment…

or

or Mr Fishnets

or perhaps

or will his choice bat for the conservative vote…

Who will he choose?

Anyway I answered the phone and it was a chick who apparently claimed to have movie plans with me that night… however I didn’t recall making any movie plans whatsoever…

Due to my sun stroke and um side effects from happy juice, I asked the caller at least three times who it was… I think she said Bec????? anyway I don’t know any Becs nor did I make any movie plans with one.

So in an effort not to be rude I’m chatting away with her for over 10 minutes trying to work out who she was and how I know her…

All I have to go on are the following facts -

1. Her sister is 27 and just got engaged…

2. She has a bf and plans to get married at about age 23…

3. She had some sort of an accent… and a super cheery happy voice…

4. She had coffee that day with friends… and had been quite bored doing nothing much…

5. Her number is not in my phone…

I still can’t work out who it was… and it didn’t occur to me at the time to ask for a last name…

Anyway Bec ??? probably thought I was a nutter and will never make movie plans with me again… :- (

Are there etiquette protocols for situations like this?

But voters don’t like him any more because he has Gallic breathe…

He’s spending money like an Eskimo Queen on ice, every Blue Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and under each Purple Moon…

The Reserve Bank doesn’t think that’s very Efficient. It thinks it Maybe Better to put interest rates up, while the nation is at a stand still watching the Railings…

The mortgage belt will shed a tear at Douro Valley Estate…

Housewives with bunny names like Sarrera and Sirmione will have to think twice about whacking another plasma on plastic…

As the election becomes Lazer Sharp, the evil unionist Black Tom is calling for a Tungstein Strike…

But Kevin Rudd is busy eating The Fuzz out of his ear…

At least he’s promised to protect Dolphin Jo and the Great Barrier Reef from the effects of Global Warming…

While Mark Vaile is Zipping around on a skate board, Peter Costello is set to launch a Princess Coup, the day before the election…

After all he’s the sole Sculptor of the economy…

Nicola Roxan and Tony Abbott are planning another Blutigeroo biffo…

Maybe he’ll Mahler an apology just like he did to Bernie Banton.

Whoever wins will be crowned Master O’Reilly and live a Scenic Shot away from the Sydney Harbour.

1# Enter fashions on the field wearing a pink dress with flowers, while everyone else is dressed like they’re going to a funeral in the traditional Derby Day black and white… and you’ll be a finalist like I was. Yay!

2# Drink happy juice by the bottle (with friends) not by the glass (it’s cheaper…)

3# Backing scores of winners is as simple as following Cracker Keenan’s tips on ABC 774 and studying the form guide…

4# Always put bets on before partaking in rule 2#…

5# In some cases following rule 4# may buy you more happy juice…

6# Flemington is Terra Nullius claim a 1 by 1 metre plot of grass early…

7# Bring binoculars to check out the colts… and er the horses…

8# Pre-race day ensure fake tanned legs do not appear coffee stained or Oompa loompa-like otherwise rule 1# won’t work. Just ask Flosey number 103 and Tiffany Blonde 74.

9# BYO snacks… in order to have extra funds for rule 2#.

10# Even if your feet hurt and the sky is overcast be thankful you’re not stuck in the Birdcage with racing egos and D-Z grade celebrity feather brains, many shipped in fresh from the USA. (They don’t get to see any horses. At least on the public lawn you might see two horseys.)